A few weeks ago, Nabeel was looking for something at home and landed into my ‘mementos box’. Just a box that has old birthday cards, memorable stuff from childhood/teenage life/past trips (I think we all have one?).
He found something he thought I’d forgotten about and literally came running to me and said, ‘Look what I found!’. It was this tiny book of quotes about ‘Dad’ – you know the ones they have for all relationships you can imagine, in the tiniest sizes with profound sayings. I’d gifted it to my dad when I was 22 (?) and when he passed, I brought it with me to keep with myself. He had highlighted parts of the book back then, possibly of the stuff that he liked from it, and I just loved having the book with his ‘reactions’ as a part of him with me.
So when Nabeel showed it to me, I went all know-it-all like and said, ‘I totally remember this, pfft’ and then opened it to show him the parts Abbu had highlighted. I’ve flipped through the pages about a million times since I brought the book back with me and I did the same thing one more time as I took him through it.
And then suddenly, just like that, through those very familiar orange highlighter pages, a picture popped up.
It was a picture of me from when I was probably seven? (I don’t know, I’m just throwing it out there) and Abbu had slipped it in, God knows when. There it was, sitting tightly packed between these two pages of a book I’d gone over so many times. And there I was, discovering it for the very first time, nearly 10 years later.
Not going to lie, I got emotional.
Over the years, I’ve obsessively gone through my dad’s stuff at our home in Lahore. I’ve looked for little things that I can keep with myself. His handwriting on old pages. His name signed on his own books. His work blueprints. On my last hunting spree, I thought I’d gone through it all and was kind of disappointed that my ‘search’ was over and I wouldn’t find anything more.
And then he surprised me.
Finding how he kept this picture of mine, in a gift I’d given him, with love and affection, was all kinds of emotions packed into this one overwhelming, incredible, never-forget type of moment.
Anyone whose had a great relationship with a father (or father figure) they’ve lost, you know that you think of them everyday. His face just flashes in front of my eyes so many times a day, I’m used to it, it’s normal, it’s routine. It’s still special if you sit down to think about it but you get used to processing it so frequently that it doesn’t stop you, you keep going with your things.
It’s the emotional earthquakes like these that make you trip for a second, lose power of speech for a bit. It was one of the best feelings of all times.
You know, things come together when they’re meant to. This was my time to find this and everything else that led up to it. The same things can reveal so much more at different points in your life. You just have to wait. That’s just two of the things I’ll take away with this favoritest memory of mine.
My father passed away last year in Ramzan. Somewhere we’ve still not accepted this reality. All his things are kept as were when he was with us. Every father-daughter or father-son story makes me emotional. We had a very strong relationship. Now it’s only the pictures and memories that we have 🙂 May Allah grant your father and my father highest ranks in Jannat-ul-firdous (Ameen)
Really touched n equally moved. May Allah grant uncle the highest place in Jannah…these lil signs make u peace
ful
It’s the emotional earthquakes like these that make you trip for a second, legit lose power of speech for a bit. It was one of the best gift of all times. OH MY GOD THIS SO MUCH THIS
BRB crying, also should tell my father that i love him a lot……………
I read your blog regularly but never commented. Today, I am compelled to share something… My mother (second wife to my father) brought us up majorly as a single parent. My father used to pop up a few times a month, and I have a collection of good memories of him. By the time we were in college, he had left us on our own completely… and moved away never to come back. We kept waiting for him for years, and then one day, my mother passed away after being bed-ridden for a decade. We tried to find someone who could tell my father that his wife is no more… only to be shocked to find out that my father had actually passed away a year or so back. We didn’t know what to mourn more… the recent loss of my mother or the pain of not knowing anything about my father. It all seems surreal… so unreal. But this is life.
This post of yours acted as a pandora’s box… All those memories just swept back in!
I have with me a few things that belonged to my father… a handkerchief, a vintage Yashica camera, a collection of Faiz Ahmed Faiz’s works that he loved to read, and a Chanel perfume he once gifted me.
There are a few life skills that no one can teach you… You learn them when you go through the good, the bad, and the ugly in your life. It is up to you to either move forward with sadness/a grudge, or with peace and contentment in your heart. In my heart are all those photo-perfect moments treasured more than any memory.
Your post not just connected with me but kinda gate-crashed right inside of my heart! 🙂 Mind it, this post of yours was really therapeutic. Loads of love and duas for you, and yours.
Wow, your comment gave me literal goosebumps. Since losing my dad, I sometimes kind of get emotional with other people’s stories too and this one was just….*speechless* I just want to thank you for sharing and I’m sending lots of love your way. Love what you said. p.s. I too have my dad’s Yashica camera with me 🙂 What a coincidence. https://www.thedesiwonderwoman.com/2015/09/project-apartment-bedroom-makeover_8.html
Every single word of this post is true.My dad passed away a month before my wedding, single-handedly organizing for my “upcoming” wedding even when he felt frail and weak!So you can imagine how my life after shaadi reminds me of my dad every single day!From mu wedding dress to jewelery to my furniture,he is everywhere and I am still on a lookout for his things:p
Loss always leaves you as someone else. It changes something within you from the core. The wounds heal but the scars remain forever. I lost my mother at the age of 10. My life taught me so many things but most of all it left me hollow which I am till today. Some gaps can’t be filled no matter how hard you try. Could so relate to everything you said
Thank you for sharing about such an integral and personal aspect of your life. It feels as if we have a deeper bond with you. Although I can’t say that I understand what you’re saying but I do feel the love and connection you shared with your father. May Allah SWT grant him the highest rank in Jannah. These memories are irreplaceable and priceless. Our fathers never vocalized how they felt about us but I guess they would hardly be able to convey how much of love they had for us anyway… Thank you for for a very great reminder through this post..
I lost my dad in August last year. What kind of void it has left in my life is too huge to put in words. That void is same everywhere. Exactly the same. The face flashes, the yearnings for that familiar scent, that loving voice. This grief is so painfully similar. In my life, your life and ever other girl’s who has lost a father.
Your post on how your dad had so lovingly saved your photo reminded me of small gestures my dad used to do himself. Like all his passwords were invariably some combination of my name. I have 2 other siblings so you can imagine how incredibly privileged I felt on knowing that 🙂 !
I’ll pray for your dad, my Dad and all Dad’s that Allah is extra pleased with them for the softness they carried in their hearts for their little girls!
P.S : I love your blog posts!
So overwhelming and achingly beautiful 🙂 Dad’s are truly a special kind and I cant even imagine how continuously haunting the loss of a parent would be
As always so well written and lots of love for you for having gone through such a great loss and learning to deal with it on an everyday basis.
Such an emotional post. While i cant truly relate i still weirdly can. Lots of hugs