A couple of nights ago, Nabeel and I were hanging out in the living room, having some slow conversation over chai. I randomly asked him if he knew about the five love languages and he said no. And so we spent the next half hour, talking about this theory of the languages of love, what they are, how we speak and accept love in different ways and how knowing what you and your partner (or any loved one, actually) speak can really step change your relationship.

By the end of my mini ‘tutorial’, Nabeel’s eyes had actually widened and he went, ‘You’ve given me such a wealth of information, you know.’ I enjoyed his ‘discovery’ quite a bit especially because the concept of the 5 languages of love is not something new; a lot of you may probably be already aware of/practicing it. But hearing him say that, I realized there were probably still some people who didn’t know about it (like none of my close friends do and I don’t know why with them I’ve never brought it up!).

So I thought today let’s discuss these languages of love that I actually think make a lot of sense and if you’re willing to accommodate what your loved ones want, they can truly have a nurturing influence on your relationships. Let us?

The 5 Love Languages are basically the way you enjoy receiving and giving love to the important people in your life. These are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. And they work not just for your partner but your family and friends as well (for the sake of simplicity, I’m going to refer to a partner only for now).

Each one of us has a different love language and the way we want to receive love is usually how we end up giving it. This may or may not be in sync with the other person’s language and probably a key reason for why sometimes some people feel their partner’s expression of love doesn’t feel adequate with what they ideally want.

You can also have a primary love language and a secondary one. And of course you could have small bits of all of the five in your expression as well.

For myself, I’ve always known (even before I ever read up on this), is that I’m a Words of Affirmation kind of person. I love verbal compliments from Nabeel, I thrive on small handwritten notes, an expression with words means more to me than any tangible gift ever can. I’ve also always been someone who enjoys expressing my love through verbal gestures. Since my childhood I’ve loved giving handwritten cards and notes to my family members (especially my dad, because he’d save them all). I value telling people how important they are to me, I am liberal with handing out praise because it truly brings me as much joy.

I also feel my secondary language would be Acts Of Service. I really, really appreciate when Nabeel does everyday things for me that are not really ‘sexy’ to share with your friends but mean a lot to me. Things like making chai, noticing that I’m running out of my toothpaste and getting a new tube on his own, keeping my slippers in a place near me if I ever forget them somewhere else around the house so I don’t have to walk without them. These small things peppered throughout the day make my life.

For Nabeel, his primary language would be Acts of Service. Small things I do for him always get me the highest appreciation. Also since this is his primary language, it makes sense why he’s so good at doing small things for me himself. What you love to get is also what you love to give. Since this is also one of my secondary love languages, it helps us being in sync and feel valued. His second language would be physical touch, which I realised more clearly after our conversation that night: he enjoys things like sitting close together while watching TV, always asks me to hang in the same room as him even if we’re doing our own thing. Physical proximity and intimacy matter to him.

How knowing all of this helps, let’s talk about that now, otherwise this could just end up being a chapter from some very cheap romance fiction. So the ways I feel this makes a relationship good or can make things better:

1. If you can communicate the language of love that you like best, your partner can actually understand what works with you more. Instead of trying their hand at things that they think are going to rock your world (but are actually tossed into the oblivion of un-understood love), they can potentially focus on those that will actually go down in memory. Nabeel always knew that I enjoy words of affection or encouragement but hearing it packaged as an emotional theory made him register it far more deeply than coming from me (someone whose not a published author/professional counselor like the love language guy).

2. If you can understand how your partner is trying to express love based on the love language he/she thinks best, you might see that often it’s not a case of them not caring but trying in a way that doesn’t resonate with you. They’re probably still trying but it’s not registering at your end. If you’re a ‘Receiving Gifts’ kind of person and thoughtful gifts (not necessarily expensive ones) matter more to you than let’s say ‘Physical Touch’, even if your partner gives you warm hugs on the constant, but never a just-because gift, you might feel like they don’t care at all. You have to look on the fronts where they’re already trying (and then potentially bring them around to the love language you enjoy best).

3. Just because you have a preferred language of love, and enjoy receiving it a certain way, doesn’t mean your partner will too. While I’m fortunate that Nabeel is by default quite good with expressing himself verbally (so my love language is taken care of), he doesn’t have as deep a need for love to be spelled out as I do (because that’s not his love language). He appreciates it but doesn’t need it. This can potentially create an issue if I do something for him, like a handwritten card, and it feels like he wasn’t dying for it. He saves them all but he doesn’t crave them. You can be disappointed that your expression of love, the way you think is best for you, is not delivering the same reaction in your partner. It’s important to know the difference and not couch your expectations in what *you* like for them. After 12 years of knowing him, this doesn’t bother me but over time I’ve realized to invest more of my effort in things I know will make him happier (like a head massage which I hand out liberally). Also, in parallel, now he knows that me giving him something handwritten is a special act from me, so he’s learnt to appreciate it more. 

4. Understand what you like and don’t compare with others. I often hear some friends of mine feel dejected about something that they saw in someone else’s relationship that their own partner didn’t do for them, EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T CARE FOR IT. If you don’t care about grand gestures of love like a wild, public proposal, don’t compare your relationship against someone else’s just because they had it. If you don’t want it, clear the fog in your brain and don’t torture yourself over it. Understand what you love, what you enjoy – the rest of the world could be in private jets flying cross the atlantic, it shouldn’t matter to you, right.

A good, loving relationship will eventually have bits and pieces of all of these languages. But the simple approach to the overall concept of it makes a lot of sense to me.

If you’d like to check what your love language is, you can take it on their main website right here. Remember you can do this for ANY relationship, romantic or otherwise. Your parent, child, best friend, whoever you find important enough to work on that relationship for.

Did you know about this? Do you use this in your usual life? What are your love languages? Tell me eryythang.

Btw, here’s their main website if you’d like to check out and buy the book and stuff (yup there’s a whole book but I haven’t read it and have no plans to).

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– The picture above is from this Eid, I uploaded the ‘nicer’ one here