Back in 2007, while I was in Lahore for my sister’s wedding, on one of the many last-minute shopping trips for shadi preps, I stopped over at a gift store and bought a few greeting cards. I picked them up for my father but instead of giving them to him when I got back, I slipped them into my suitcase. I was working in Karachi at the time and I wanted to mail them to him once I was back in my other home.
The shadi happened, we all said our goodbyes, I packed my bags and left for Karachi. Once home, I put the cards on my bedside table, planning to write them out soon. Getting back to work after a 2 week chutti was all kinds of busy and a week went by and I hadn’t touched them. I did have a work trip lined up for Lahore again in about two weeks so I wanted to post them before that; just so he could receive them by mail before I arrived (am a little orthodox in my gestures, I like old school).
My dad lived an incredible life. He was fearless in doing what he wanted to do, he didn’t care about anything other than what was important to him or his loved ones. He was self-made. He was progressive. His love was absolute.
For a short period, during the last few years of his life, my dad didn’t have work anywhere. He was a man of intensely strong principles (also politically very ‘incorrect’, heh). And his choices let him live his life with pride even if it didn’t match up to society’s definition of perfection. He never once showed that being out of work was something to hide or be ashamed of.
Even though I knew his life accomplishments were clear to him (his children, their lives, his home, his capacity to love, I could keep going), I wanted to write him a letter in one of those greeting cards to tell him how incredible I thought he was. I wanted to make sure, that even if there was a smidgen of doubt in his heart or mind that he could have managed more for us, he’d know that he’d done more than enough.
A week after my sister’s wedding my abbu passed away. I never got to write him that letter.
I remember coming back from work to my apartment, after getting the news, to pack a bag back to Lahore. I remember sitting on my bed and saying to no one in particular, I never sent him that card. In that extremely painful moment, when I’d honestly lost all my bearings, somehow that fact was pinching me the most.
We all don’t have good dads. Or parents. Or family members. But for those who do, it’s very important to give voice to what you feel – in person or through words on paper – and communicate the importance of them in your life. Emotional expression in a lot of desi households is stunted; we can crack the craziest jokes with our families but feel awkward about sharing how much we love them.
What we feel about someone is of value to us but its only of value to them once we communicate it.
I still have those blank cards with me. Still wrapped in plastic. It’s been 11 years.
Love can be a lazy emotion, but only if you let it. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Write your letter, say your words, today. Not because of your regrets but because they deserve to know.
Thanks for reading 🙂
p.s. I’m not sad about it, I know he knew, I just wish I had sent them.
Lots of love to you Shehzeen.
Thanks man 🙂
“I still have those blank cards with me. Still wrapped in plastic. It’s been 11 years.”
The most poignant words ever. Yes, its so true that we think that the other person (parents, siblings, friends, that special one) knows how much they mean to us…but maybe not! It is so important to be more expressive in this aspect of our lives.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
True, true, very true 🙂
I never got to tell my Abba what an incredible man I thought he was. I wish I had, when he could still understand. He was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago at the age of 57. He is 60 now and can’t understand anything. I wish I had told him.
You know what, still tell him <3 Because what you tell him, he already knows, and also what you tell him, will calm your own heart. Love and prayers for your Abba.
I wanted to come back here to tell you that last night, I sat with my dad and talked. I asked him what happened to him, how he managed to live a balanced life, if he loved me, if he was happy with me, and if he was happy in life. Of course, he didn’t understand or respond, but it felt nice. Couldn’t get to telling him how important he was to me, but maybe soon I’ll be able to. Couldn’t bring myself to yesterday. InshaAllah, soon. 🙂 Thank you for the courage, Shehzeen.
Your comment left me with goosebumps. No kidding, I got so emotional. Thank you for sharing that with me, it made my day to hear something so raw and sweet. I’m so glad you could have that conversation, so much love and duas for you and your dad both <3
This conversation has left me emotional too. I was re-reading this post and the comments section which also happen to be my favorite, had to be explored! More power to you, Shehzeen for stirring so many emotions and pushing us to take a step forward. And Anooshay, reading your conversation with your dad, I’m all teary-eyed rn. So beautiful!
I always told my Baba what he was to me. Maybe daily. I used to tell him that he mattered more to me than my daughter. And he did.
Even if you tell your parents or your loved ones what they mean to you. It’s never enough. There’s always something more to say once they are gone. I have my whatsapp conversations of my dad and me. I read them sometimes and feel I wish I had said or done this/that at that time. There’s so much more to say 🙁
This makes me want to pick up the phone,and call my abu and tell him how much i love and miss him.
You’re such a powerhouse mA. I don’t usually express my feelings and being in the same city as my parents I see them quite regularly and the days I don’t my mom calls to ask khairiyat but I’ve somehow never picked up the phone to call my dad. But I did on Tuesday, and it felt great. I saw the next day and the day after that also. But it was great just talking to him even if for 5 mins. Dads are so precious even if they don’t express it. I’m sure your Abbu is looking for heavens above and smiling at what a wonderful champ you are! Prayers for you and your fam 💕💕
Thanks for sharing this! I lost my father when I was in Grade 9. We had a short, but lovely father – daughter relationship for which I’m so grateful! Alhumdulilah.
So many emotions. And I can’t bring myself to write a thoughtful enough comment to your words. I’m sorry about that. You are very lucky to have experienced love in its truest forms. I wish you more, always. Love.
Thank you for sharing this little very personal piece of your life with us. Power to you.💕 You’ve written it beautifully. My heart literally sank reading this since I’m very close to my Abbu but never had the courage to tell him directly how amazing he is and how much I love him. I’m just too embarrassed to do so. #JustDesiThings Also, maybe because I’m a bit of a private person and can’t really express my emotions! Lol. I try to make it up with little gestures e.g I always try to kiss him goodnight and when he comes home from work.
Please do it, tell him how much you love him..take lots of picture with your parents.😊
I’ll try to more expressive from now on. 😊 And, haha I take so many pictures with them to the point where they actually get annoyed! 😛
I am so like you, I love to write cards and letter and send them via post. My heart just break a little more after reading this. Love for You Shehzeen <3
Wow,I had tears in my eyes while reading all this. My Abu is a man of few words.He doesn’t talk much and yes, we all also feel awkward to express our love to each other in our family. This is just beautiful.May Allah give your Abu the highest rank in jannat. Ameen . Lots of Hugs for you 💕
Lots of love for you ❤️
I have never told my father that how much I love him, lagta hi nahi tha itni jaldi hogi unhe Jane ki 😞
This post moved me into tears. Very rarely I feel so deep reading any post, but this one kind of nudged something within my heart. I will call my dad today! Thanks for sharing 😘
♡
I wish i cud 🙁
I wish i cud save my dad. He died in front of me .. i never ever forget that moment. He came to my room to hugg me just before his death .. i was sleeping.. he kissed me as my mom told me .. i woke up when my mom was screaming “utho tm logo k papa ko kuch ho gaya hai”
I wish i cud get a chance to hug him n tell him that i love him.
U remind me that moment when i lost him 🙁 my heart is really sinking but i promised him to be strong and fearless.
ALLAH un k darjat buland farmye or hamien un k lea sadka e jaria banny ki tofeeq ata farmaye Ameen
Lots of loven huggs for u
I am speechless, left me with a lump in my throat. You are magical
Is someone chopping onions nearby? This was so emotional and heartfelt and raw; thank you so much for sharing this, Shehzeen.
I grew up in a house where we weren’t all very expressive with our love. It didn’t mean we didn’t love one another, but thori si formality thi. Now as my parents grow older, they’ve softened up, so I’m trying to break out of my shell and tell them how much they mean to me, as much as I can. I remember, I always used to get annoyed when my dad shared videos on WhatsApp, but now I’m realizing that me watching them is a way of acknowledging him and making him happy. Waqt ka kuch nahin pata, so best to seize the moment every chance you get. Also, this post is my cue to Skype my parents, so thank you!
I wish i could convey to my dad how much i loved him too. The only thing that kept me going after he passed away was his saying that u are just in the coal phase. Your inner diamond is yet to develop and shine. That literally kept me going..i changed the day the passed away. Donned on the hijab
There was no looking back. Even now my kids probabbly think thier nana was a hero cuz to thier mom he really is. A man who gave back to society in lots of little ways. I for one have written love,apology letters to my kids aged 6,5 and 3 that incase i die suddenly they have those. I just go on about how much i love them. Have kept it with my jwellery so no chance of them being left unexplored.
Appreciate the brave post.
Lots of duas for your dad too.
Lots of love for you always
So much love for you. This must’ve been a difficult post to write…I got teary-eyed while reading this. ❤️
Love you sooo much shehzeen ❤️ Hugsss !! Lucky that you had sucha great dad Alhamdulillah and cherish good times ..
Love for you , what a lovely post
Shehzeen…. 😢💝 I miss my mother and father so after reading this… love you for sharing this sis … beautifully expressed … I hope our parents are frolicking in Jannah and having a real blast inshaAllah 💝
Shehzeen you are LOVE❤️
Love your post xx
This touches the heart at so many levels. It takes alot of courage to put your feelings out there for the world to see. Lots of love Shehzeen. In the least, the ppl who read this will say a dua for their father I’m sure!
Dear Shehzeen, I am a regular reader, but rarely comment. I lost my Abbu two weeks ago, and since then, have been going through the motions in a daze of grief, punctured with moments where I try to hold on to memories of my father: his journals, his hisaab diary, his spectacles, a voice note that he left, old photos. Never got to give him the briefcase that I thought I would gift him, and his broken briefcase will remind me of that always. I came back to find this post, and the other one that you wrote for your dad and take heart from these words. Thank you, and hugs.
Your comment gave me goosebumps, sending you so much love and so many prayers for your Abbu. I wish you as much ease as you can possibly have through this, lots of duas <3 <3
Shehzeen, I love following you on insta and reading your blog here sometimes. But today, this post resonated so much with me. I lost my father two years ago and there is so much I wish I could tell him. Everyday I think about all the conversations I want to have with him. Your post was beautiful and painful at the same time but one that will stay with me for a long long time. Prayers for you and your family.
I have been following your blog for quite a long time. You’re such a good person & I am sure you are a great daughter as well. Lots of love & prayers for you. I am sure your dad will be proud of you. And, loved this post. Full of emotions & feelings. It made me miss my mom. Right now, we both are in different countries 🙂