Not going to lie. This is going to be a LONG read. Expected read time: 8-9 mins.

GUYS. I’m officially starting off the ‘relationship month’ series (what a terrible, generic title but after all the posts I’ve written for this series the last few days, my creativity is mildly suffering, please forgive). Anyway, hope you’re settled in, have a few minutes to yourself and perhaps a coffee (?) to enjoy this part of your day.

If you haven’t seen the introductory post I did on this yesterday, please check it out, because it has a bit of an open-feelings-talk that I’d love for you to see.

THIS POST IS IN TWO SECTIONS. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO READ BOTH TOGETHER OR COME BACK TO SECTION 2 LATER. I HAVE MARKED THEM.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

* SECTION 1 *

So my first post is about a topic that may be very nonintuitive when it comes to a discussion around healthy relationships: Figuring out your own self first. I know the mind immediately gravitates to topics like how to keep the excitement going, how to manage arguments, etc (I will get to those, I promise). But I got many questions from you guys, from ALL kinds of relationship scenarios, and while I won’t be able to address all of them, I can tell you with a lot of conviction that finding your way around this topic is honestly the answer to most of those problems. ESPECIALLY in our desi culture.

As desis, and I’m speaking to girls in particular, we’re raised with an identity that spans a unit. As a daughter to the parents, as a sister to the brother, as a wife to the husband, as a mother to the children. There is very little education or freedom to form an identity as a *person* before all other identities. Guys often get asked, what do you want to do later with your life? What sort of work would you want to get into? These questions rarely make it to women. There is no imagination beyond the roles that have already been specified.

Why do women struggle with relationships, especially married ones, when according to our societal teachings, they’ve been coached to be the best wives, best daughters-in-law, best mothers, their entire lives? Why is that despite being told since the beginning of time about how to serve guests, ‘larkiyan aisay nahi karti’, ‘bhai hai, jaanay do’, ‘saas ke saamnay aisay kaisay karogi’, ‘shadi ke baad husband allow karay toh kar lena’ – there are so many women who will follow all these ‘tips’ to a T in order to seek eventual fulfillment, but still find lack of contentment in their post-married lives.

It’s because our society preps women on how to take care of everyone in the entire world, except for their own selves. All advice coming to women is in relation to behavior towards someone else. It’s either that X behavior will complicate their marriage, or upset their in-laws or make their parents unhappy. It’s all linked to another individual. There is no directive on how will you make it in life if you don’t know how to make strong decisions. Or how will you manage if someone violates your basic rights. Nothing for the *person* that you are.

And it’s not even that if you take care of others first and then yourself, that’s fine. We actually guilt selfcare for women in all forms. Take care of others and stop there. There is no concept of taking care of yourself.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Something I’d love to put out there before we move ahead: I find no issue in showing love and care to people in your life and then seeking the same love and care back. I don’t believe we have to be cold, hardened creatures to be strong and independent in life. Independence for self has NOTHING to do with dependence in relationships. Both can mutually coexist. It’s great to rely and depend on someone for things you can’t do/don’t want to do. And it’s possible to do that while being completely independent in your mind about your life priorities and choices. It’s not one or the other. It’s possible to be soft and strong at the same time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So coming back to the idea of figuring out the aspect of taking care of our own self before getting into OR while already being in a potential lifetime relationship. Here’s what I feel: If I want to merely pass my days, just going along with life, I can easily go on without doing any of the ‘finding my own self’ stuff. But if I want to live WHILE being self-satisfied and therefore contribute fully to my relationships (which is a direct by-product of self-satisfaction), it’s very important to start working on my own self first.

How do you learn to identify yourself as a person when you’ve only heard of yourself in relation to someone else? Where do you even begin? It’s not something that’s easy or even clear. There are no well-defined steps or SOPs to follow. So then what do you do?

You look inside versus looking outside. What do *you* want? Not as ‘how will *they* feel’ but what do YOU want. Is everything that you’re doing today exactly how you want it be or it’s because someone said that was the right thing to do. Figure out the things you would do if you existed in a vacuum. What if you had no aunties telling you the virtues of being a good wife, no husband telling you what job you can or cannot take, no mom guilt to find time for yourself. What are the things *you* would do.

Make a list of those things. And then try to make it – partially or fully – find a way back to you.

But then, isn’t that actually the tough part? How do you even do that?

By asserting control and reconfiguring our mind. I can say with a fair level of confidence that many of the things that you want to do are perfectly okay to do. They are not immoral or unfair or rude. You just believe them to be wrong or experience guilt at even the thought of them, because you have been told since your childhood that that’s how it is.

Women don’t do jobs that they want to do, because the husband is not comfortable. They don’t spend time with their parents, because the in-laws get upset. They don’t factor in any me-time away from their kids, because people get judgmental.

These are all things that men get to do, without question. But the same things that women get burdened with because of moral obligation, guilt tripping and what not. They’re just not the ‘right thing to do’.

The ‘right thing to do’ is often what’s actually the ‘expected thing to do’. Expectation is not always correct.

We have to understand that things that make *us* happy can never be wrong. We have to start being clear in our own minds first. Not taking pointless guilt. Not compromising on doing things that are okay to do (especially, if they’re okay religiously, then what else is left).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I’ll tell you some things that I believe have always worked for me in life:

– Knowing that the barrier, the blockage – it exists first in my mind and then everywhere else. We don’t do most things because we automatically tell ourselves, yeh sahi nahi hai. Some things have to be done and if we just learn to ‘handle’ ourselves, we can do a lot more. Our internal dialogue is so deeply conditioned with prejudice against our own selves, we don’t even know that we are thinking things that are not our own thoughts, but someone else’s….just very carefully, over a long period of time, bred within us.

– Taking a stand for yourself is not morally wrong. What’s morally wrong is someone else imposing their choice on you. Many people believe I have had an easy life with zero obstacles. I don’t care about anyone’s perception of whether I’ve had it easy or tough but I’m mentioning this here because I know that all the things that now give me satisfaction and make my life look easy to many, is because I have made tough choices, difficult calls and have always taken a stand for myself (and still continue to). Your self-satisfaction does not happen because your life is easy, you life becomes easy because of your self satisfaction. And self satisfaction comes from being honest and taking stands for yourself.

– Knowing that anyone whose upset or uncomfortable with the choices you make; in many cases, they will eventually come around. You don’t want to go to the gym, it’s tough, it’s long, it aches for days, but once you’re through and in the swing of things, you start seeing results. That’s an over-simplistic example but truly when you make choices for yourself, it may feel hard at first, you don’t want to do them, they might hurt a lot, people could get upset, angry, etc. But in many cases they will come around. Maybe quickly, maybe over a long period of time. Be okay with taking some pain.

– Not having a sense of permission in my life. No one can ‘allow’ me to do anything. My guidance comes from my sense of self and my God. That’s where it ends. I consult people for advice not for permissions, not even Nabeel. I have gotten immense pushback from very close people for many things I’ve chosen to do in my life. But I have always reminded myself, their advice is always welcome but their permission is not.

– Looking for balance on a macro level. I keep saying this, taking a stand for yourself does not mean you’re an emotional assassin. I always factor in feelings of other people and I try to do things in the most kind way possible for everyone (including myself). And I know that there will be some moments in time where I will choose to prioritize someone else’s opinion over what I want to do. It will be a compromise for me but again, I will choose to make that choice. I pick my battles and I make sure that 95% of the time I prioritize myself.

– Subtracting the concept of selfishness from self-care. Only people who fully take care of themselves are fully able to give back to others in their lives. This is a critical thing to remember. Consistent compromise on what you want to do, breeds resentment, creates distance, imbeds deep discontentment. Things may look good superficially but it consumes from the inside. Until we can understand that taking care of our own self is not a good-to-do, but it’s where everything needs to begin, we cannot escape our own mental demons.

– Not living in denial. I have found many desi women living in a form of denial. They have built ‘perfect’ lives performing their perfect roles but when you probe beneath the surface, their emotions are packed with resentment. They don’t find contentment in what they do but they verbally keep repeating that this is the right way. One of the best favors I’ve done to myself is to not live in denial. When something’s wrong, covering it up does a good job of hiding it well, but it doesn’t make it go away and you’re the only one who lives with it everyday.

– Remembering that emotional blackmail will always be the cheapest commodity in the market. Whenever, desi women in particular, even choose to make decisions that are in their best interest, there is always at least one person serving up some good old fashioned emotional blackmail. Trying to nullify decisions under the weight of melodramatic baggage is a very common tactic and while it’s very easy to feel the pressure of this, I always remind myself, I am the only person actually in control of my own thoughts. They can be influenced, I can be in distress, but how my actions eventually get framed, that will always be in my hands.

– Also remembering that I can make the best excuses when I want to take the seemingly easier route.  We are capable of feeding ourselves the best excuses when we don’t want something to happen. So many women stay within abusive marriages because they believe they won’t be able to financially manage themselves or their kids will hate them. If you don’t want to trust me because I don’t deal with abuse of any kind, let me tell you about SO MANY of those women who have shared their life stories with me privately in DMs, spread out over many months, where they talked about being in unhappy marriages, then stepping away, then finding their own lives, then succeeding at work. These are true stories of real women, women who stop making excuses for their own self. Trust yourself. Take the time you need, but trust yourself.

– Routing/delegating to my ally is important. Who is my ally in my relationship? My husband. As women we’re bombarded with messages of the ultimate sacrificing daughter-in-law who will bleed buckets but not tell anyone of her problems, the magnanimous bhabi who will handle all the load. Why is every task, every action delegated to the female? I route/delegate many tough decisions and choices to Nabeel, where *he* has the right influence. I understand that some people are his job to handle, not mine (and I do the same when it’s my right influence and I become his ally). Women answer to their in-laws about when they’ll have kids, how much time they’ll be ‘allowed’ to stay with their parents, etc etc. Enable your ally and demand their support. If your life partner is a decent individual, they will learn.

– It’s never too late. Even if you’ve violated all your own needs and wants since the beginning of time, it’s still never too late to reassert control. Whether that’s demanding clearer communication with your spouse, a less toxic dynamic with your in-laws, the right to work or travel or take time off, or the decision to even leave a hurtful relationship. It may feel even more difficult and you may be judged even more harshly (‘pagal hogayi hai’- how many times have we heard this about some woman before). It’s a pill that may be bitter but one that you can still swallow.

– I AM ENOUGH. Most of my life I’ve been extremely shy, underconfident and put in a ‘weird’ box by the majority of the people. But despite all my shyness, wanting-to-sit-in-a-corner vibes and constantly being-judged-by-others, I have always known this one simple fact: I am enough. Companionship is great, it’s amazing, I love my husband immeasurably. But I did not marry him to complete my life. My life with all my own good and bad things was already complete. He enhanced many aspects of it for sure, as I did for him. But I was always enough. I can do anything without him, I don’t need him to do things for me (except perhaps for getting sugar off the top cupboard shelf because short girl probz, lulz). But I have always believed I am enough. We all need to believe we are adequate and not burden our relationships, OR our own expectations of self, with what they’re not meant to handle. Belief is one of the most powerful things in the world, and even if no one believes in you, then you do it for your own self. You are enough.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

* SECTION 2 *

Is all of this, that I talked about, too much to execute? For a lot of women, I know it is. It’s not impossible, but it’s hard for some and harder for others. And some of us don’t want to go that way. 

So you know what. If you fall within that category, forget what I said in Section 1. For now.

You don’t want to do anything uncomfortable for others, that’s okay. You don’t want to make hard choices, upset anyone, it’s fine. It’s a choice you’re making, no judgments. But I think no matter where we come from, how we do things, what we believe in, there’s one thing we all need. We all need a dream.

Something that’s only ours and no one else’s.

Why? Because when you’re not ready to commit to altering aspects of your life but want to feel less discontent, you have to find a channel that gives you joy. Where you can invest any toxic energy and let it manifest into something positive. A safe space, a voice. 

You can of course have a dream regardless (I do!), but it’s even more important if you’re feeling ‘stuck’ in life.

Whether you’re a fulltime homemaker or working for a corporation or have always wanted to do something on the side or just have been ignoring a hobby you once truly loved. Make it your dream and get to it.

If there’s something you’re good at or want to learn to do even averagely, figure out a way to do it for your own pleasure. It will be your own thing, not your children’s, not your spouse’s, not your parents. Your own dream. You want to learn how to knit? Take time out from everything to do a little bit every day or a few times a week. You love to bake? Make some something you want to. Maybe it’ll sell, maybe it won’t. But do it cos it makes you happy. Your time in the kitchen, your creations, your labor of love. You enjoy writing? Put down your thoughts, even if for just your own eyes. You want to study? Pickup an online course of choice and get learning.

Find that thing that’ll make you happy when you see it emerge from within your hands. And then do it. Excellently or poorly. But do it. And do it regularly. That time with yourself, that investment into your skill-building, that prioritization of your own individuality. That thing that’s only yours.

The tragedy of our times is that everything gets measured in money. Before you can even share what you’d love to do, your dream gets questioned on whether it will be viable financially (‘yeh kaun parhay ga/khareeday ga/pasand karayga). A dream does not exist for someone else’s validation or for monetization. It exists to water our own self. For us and us only.

If it transforms into a source of income, see that as a bonus. But the fundamental purpose of a dream is to find love for yourself everyday. Not for likes or follows or fame or financials.

Even if you share it publicly, don’t ground your satisfaction in how fast your account is growing, ground it in knowing you are doing something you enjoy. And if you’re not confident enough to share with people at large, go to anonymous forums or tell your best friend. There’s almost always an answer to everything. We just have to find it.

Basically. If you’re not ready right now to to do anything else for the general socially-denied rights of your life, figure out your dream and work with it. Find your own corner in the world and enjoy it, so you have the safe space to be yourself, even if for a while.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

WE’RE ALMOST AT THE END….STAY WITH ME

I’ve rambled on so much but I do want to say this before I disappear. These concepts of ‘knowing who you are’, ‘finding your identity’ – I know these sound like activities for people who either come from privilege or have an easy life. ‘Real life’ is messy, busy, complicated and ‘real people’ don’t have the time or luxury to form their own identities.

Real life is your life. It has nothing to do with how much freedom you have, how controlling your parents are, how easy it is for someone else, blah blah. Your life has to be measured versus your own experiences. Weighing them against someone else and deciding you have it too tough to even think about going against the tide, is just a denial mechanism. To not make hard choices, to not face a little resentment. To not prioritize yourself.

We have to accept what is dished out to us, figure out what makes us happy not just others, and stand up for ourselves where we have to. Compromising our wants for someone else’s guilt trip results in temporary peace of mind for others before they move onto something else. But it also results in a lifetime of difficulty for our own selves.

So yes coming back to where we started. For a healthy relationship with a spouse (and honestly with anyone else), we have to start with our own self first. When that works out, everything else becomes easier. Whether you’re getting married or been already married for years, your identity doesn’t come with an expiration date. You can find it whenever you’re ready to.

I tried my best to not write this piece from a place of privilege (for all of us, some level of privilege will always exist versus at least one person). But I do want to say this, that even if you haven’t had even one privilege ever, as an adult you have to find the way to make your life, even if you haven’t been able to previously. You may have relinquished power at multiple points in your life but it’s never too late to regain that power. You can transform your lack of privilege or lack of action to an opportunity. You just have to want to do it.

Here’s a celebratory cookie if you made it to the end of this monstrously long post. Once you’re done with that (it’s chocolate chip, by the way), let me know what you think 🙂