Friends and lovers. This is going to be the last post for this relationship series and while I’ve made you guys read some *really* long stuff all through this month, I’m going to keep this one short(er) and simple. This topic was one that I got asked in a few different ways and I decided to condense it down into the 10 basic principles that both of us live our life by when it comes to our relationship. Sounds good? Lets do it.

But before we jump into this one together, here’s what I’d like you to do with this post. Read it without matching against the principles that you’ve set for yourself. I say this repeatedly, because it is a hole we fall into repeatedly: trying to do a side-by-side comparison of things in someone else’s life with our own life. Multiple things that I share below, may not work for you because of varying reasons – personality differences, lifestyle, temperaments, personal preferences, etc. If you find something you like, find it’s equivalent for yourself. Anything that sounds good to you, within this post (or anywhere else in life), should never become a set of commandments, just a source of inspiration. Create your own life, as you wish it.

Now that that’s settled, in no particular order, sharing the ten simple things for our relationship that the both of us live by. 

1. To have dinner with each other every single night. What that essentially means to me is to come back home to one another every single day. One of the things I value highest in my life is my relationships (all close ones) and so all my choices & decisions are a byproduct of that value. I believe there is nothing that matters more than being with your loved ones and so I choose to plan my life around them in general, and therefore Nabeel as well. For the both of us, this choice can come at the cost of career advancement, less income, etc – if there’s a better job or higher paying opportunity that separates us, we will choose the next best option after that, and stay with each other. I’d rather scale down my life, live in a smaller house, be less fancy about things, but I want every day to begin and end together. It’s not just that one meal, I want to be part of his everyday joys, everyday frustrations – these are things I’ve found to come through an everyday companionship and I want to be there for it all. Naturally when we travel to our own families there are days when we’re apart or when we separately have plans with friends. But as much we can, every single day, we try and have that one meal together, basically share our day with each other.

Like I said, of course, this doesn’t have to be true for everyone and many people choose education/jobs/finances over things like long-distance – it’s grounded in everyone’s own reasons, wants and goals. This is just me sharing our choice and the reason behind it (also completely not being blind to those with lower privilege like people who work in our homes and live miles away from their families). Update: All my love to those people whose partnerships and general families were separated by the pandemic.  

2. We are each other’s family and it’s the two of us that make our relationship.

No children, no our own individual families, no one makes our relationship. We make it, everything comes after. Far too many problems are a product of introducing fifteen dozen individuals into an equation, far too many marriages are weakened by telling people “in a desi wedding, you marry the whole family, not just one person”, far too many children get troubled for life because they’re conceived out of a need to repair a marriage and not to celebrate it.

Nikkah papers don’t get signed by your relatives, they’re signed between a two individuals. And babies aren’t therapists so they can’t come and fix our problems for us. The strength and foundation has to be built into our own family-unit-of-two first and then we can love and respect anyone we want, as much as we want. When our concepts are clear, we can respond to problems and situations accordingly.

This is also why our private conversations always stay between us – not make their way to our siblings, our mothers, cousins, friends. What we talk about with each other stays with us. If he shares something personal, I won’t compromise his trust by, let’s say, telling my mom. And he’ll also treat me well by always doing the same for me.

3. Be physically affectionate everyday. 

Hugs and holding hands go a long way. Physical affection gives the warm, fuzzy vibes that even your favorite bar of chocolate can’t replicate (lolz just kidding, chocolate is totally better).

4. Look clean, smell good for each other. 

I know the popular opinion for true, real love is that you can authentically be yourself and exist in your worst clothes now and forever. And as I always say, to each his own. But for me it’s very important to take a few minutes to look clean and smell good.

I know so many people who say we can’t wear nice clothes at home, we’re looking after our kids, our dupatta smells like garlic. I often do a lot of heavy lifting for my posts (the behind-the-scenes action to sometimes just get one shot is a serious sweat session, you guys), my clothes gets really messed up, I cook all the desi adrak lehsan dishes in the same outfits – nothing happens. Both of us have nice, soft, inexpensive, comfortable clothes for home – stuff that fits comfortable, smells clean – and you look good for one another even when you’re passed out at home. Of course there are days when I look like his brother and he looks he hasn’t washed his face in 600 light years, but *overall* we keep it nice and clean for one another as a way of life.

There is generally a strong pushback I’ve seen in desis to keep all good things for others people. Best plates for others, best clothes for others, best towels for others. Everyone gets dressed up and looks presentable for big presentations and grand get-togethers; all this stuff that we do for others. I like doing that too but I also like doing it for my own self and for him, as he does for me.

5. Surprise each other everyday. 

Sometimes he gets me a chocolate on the way back home. Sometimes I light a candle to make a daal chawal dinner feel like a candlelit date night. Small surprises every day.

6. Watch each other.

Feels mild stalkerish but here’s what I mean: to keep an eye on how the other person is feeling. When we live with people, the one thing we often stop doing is to just look at them. We may be talking to them non-stop, moving around them all day, but we stop noticing their face. Sometimes, people can be worried or not share something just because they haven’t yet reconciled it in their own head, but it’s always nice to have your partner ask ‘what’s on your mind’, ‘what are you thinking’. It’s a really great feeling to know you’re cared for and sometimes, you might not even know it but all you needed to share something, was to be asked.

In the bigger picture, doing this also helps you keep moving together. A relationship is a live phenomenon of its own and with two people in it growing, evolving, sometimes you can start moving separately from each other. Staying tuned to how we’re maturing alongside one another is key to not one day wake up and realise you’ve both grown apart. You can evolve differently but stay clued into each other because the regular ‘watching’ helps empathise and understand their evolution.

7. Always say thank you. Always say sorry. 

We thank each other for every small thing. And we apologise without any egos for every small error. “Dosti main no sorry no thank you” honestly works only for Bollywood; in real life, saying these two things expands your relationship and humbles your own self. A thank you for every chai, a sorry for every small badtameezi.

8. Not criticise when you don’t have to.

No one can challenge the power of healthy criticism but there’s a peculiarity I’ve noticed in our desi scene, where criticizing is done liberally. If I could use one word to explain it best, it would be “toknay ki aaadat”. To criticize and to ‘toko’ your partner over simple things, especially stuff that they don’t usually do and may be doing to help you out better; it just inverts the original sentiment of that action. Specifically for women (and saying this only because I hear more from them), you see so many criticize their husbands if they try to help them clean or do something sweet for them as a gesture. If it’s coming from a one-time sweet gesture (like your spouse painted you something for the first time but messed up a room while doing it), let it go entirely. If feedback is required (like they decided to start contributing at home and sorted stuff in the kitchen but put things in the wrong places), appreciate them and delay the criticism for some time.

Going back to the intent of something AND choosing the right time to give your feedback, transforms a habit of criticism and tokna to something that will actually help the person.

Separating healthy criticism from ‘tokna’ – this is also a habit that can help a relationship on a macro level, for bigger things than everyday home stuff. Our partners sometimes want to do things that are against the general formula of life (switch careers as an example) and if they believe in it, we have to champion them. Few people know how to make their dreams come to life and if someone wants to do exactly that, it’s important to not crush that dream because of our own fears and apprehensions –  and a general habit of criticism.

9. Choosing each other everyday.

Many of us believe we get locked into a lifetime, no-release contract the minute we say ‘qabool hai/I do’. Why bad behaviors or negligence emerge is because we get conditioned to believe it’s a one-time choice and we made it, it’s done and over. But a marriage to me is something where we choose each other everyday. Knowing this is an everyday choice lets you be the best partner to your spouse and also expect the best back from them.